The fallacy of dolphin sexual assault
Five-minute read
About 10% of the time when I tell people I love dolphins they respond with something along the lines with ‘Aren’t dolphins rapists, though?’
Sigh.
I spoke about dolphin ‘rape’ in episode two of my documentary podcast A Dolphin Pod but if you haven’t heard it I can fill you in. We as humans require consent to have sexual contact with another person. Hopefully that’s not news to you.
Animals don’t communicate in the same way that we do, and sometimes their reproductive behaviour can look somewhat alarming to us. Red garter snakes, for example. Females are pursued at high speed by up to 100 males and end up at the centre of a ‘mating ball’ in which the males take turns on her. If that happened to a human woman it would make headlines around the world.
Dolphin reproduction has similar vibes to the pulsating ball of snakes, though with a much more manageable male to female ratio. Males chase a female and have their way with her, often slapping and biting her in the process. It sounds rough, but we can’t be sure if the female is in distress or if that’s all part of the mating ritual.
Rape is a human concept that we can’t really apply to animals without outright asking them what their deal is. But what about if at least one of the partners in intercourse is human? I’m not talking about the crime* of beastiality. What about if an animal comes on to a human?
Dolphins in captivity do sometimes show sexual behaviour towards the people with which they spend their time. Depending on your view of the ethics of keeping highly intelligent and sexual beings like dolphins captive, you might see the dolphins as more of the victim in that scenario. That’s my take on it, at least.
But do dolphins assault people in the wild? Are the rumours about dolphin rape caves true? According to a fake study by a fictional scientist at a dolphin research centre that doesn’t exist - yes! I haven’t read the original paper because - again - it isn’t real. But there are countless less-than-legit websites sporting the exact same copypasta.
“Researchers studying dolphin behavior have discovered rogue packs of adult male dolphin’s gang raping swimmers in open waters. Human decoys fitted with tracking devices have been dumped in open waters and observed form a helicopter.”
Please note the incorrect spelling, bad punctuation and unrealistic experimental setup. What kind of funding would it take to achieve all of that? Mannequins, trackers and helicopters? Whoever made this up clearly has no idea how little money there is in dolphin research. The real gold comes in the form of a direct quote from the non-existent researcher, Scott Randleson.
“In every case the decoy was set upon in a short time by groups of dolphins ranging from 8 to 10 young males. It seems there are gangs of dolphin predators roaming the open waters looking for humans to sexually assault. The dolphins in each case were observed circling the swimmer as one of the group grabbed the swimmer with their penis and dragged them under, then the others followed.”
Yes, you read that correctly. It says the dolphins grab the people with their penises. It’s the opposite of that thing Trump said. Dolphins do have a prehensile penis, that’s true. And yes, it’s around 50 cm long, which is a hefty 20 inches. But they can’t drag you under water with it, I can all but guarantee it.
Believe it or not, but it’s the last bit of Dr Scott’s little speech that’s the least believable to me.
“The decoys never resurfaced in any of the studies. We tracked on of the decoys to an underwater cave where is had been repeatedly raped and torn apart by the dolphins.”
In the scientific world, if a study claims to have a 100% success rate we call that perfect data. Studies with perfect data cannot be trusted because there is no such thing as perfect data. There’s so much variance in the world, especially when you’re studying wild animals. You’re unbelievably unlikely to get the exact same outcome every time you run a test. Don’t trust perfect data.
In conclusion, dolphins are not rapists and there are absolutely no such things as dolphin rape caves. Dolphins in captivity might try and cop a feel or even mount an unsuspecting trainer or guest, but that’s because they are insanely sexual beings trapped in an unnatural environment against their will.
Finally, please remember, dolphins are big, horny, non-domesticated predators and should be treated with respect and a healthy dose of caution in any situation. You have been warned.
*Sadly, beastiality is not a crime in certain countries. If you want to know where, I’m not helping you. You’re on your own, freak.
